Beadle, Rhino, Santa And Other Stories

Thought you might enjoy this match report courtesy of last night's opposition. Among other things, it continues the fine tradition of oppo match reports being less than complimentary about our not-first-choice keeper…

After some dubious convoy leading by Dave "I don't drive anything less than 90mph" Killick, the majority of the Queen Vic posse converged into the Crystal palce sports stadium car park, greeted by the excited faces of the rest of the team who'd already jizzed in their pants over the fantastic carpet like pitch we were about to play on.

After an impressive performance playing 3-5-2 at Sturry the previous week the management reverted back to 4-4-2 to accomodate the returning Sturry legends Rhodes and Harris, otherwise known as 80's tribute act 'Diamond knights'.
Vic started well with makeshift strike force of Killick and Sibbo causing problems up top & Ronnie "Say hello to my little friend' Cimino making some darting runs down the left wing in between arguing with celebrity referee "Rhino" who'd appeared as a gladiator on the popular ITV series of the same name from the early 90's.

Queen Vic took a deserved lead after a good bit of hassling from James "Crispy duck in Hoi sin sauce is not a starter" Sibley resulted in the ball falling nicely on the edge of the box for Andy "Oh I do like a baked potato, but please no mayonaise" Harris, to curl a left footer through the despairing withered "Beadle" hand of the CPFC keeper.
With the confidence flowing Vic should have gone further infront when Dave "The white John Barnes" Killick went clean through, only to see his shot rebound off the bar.
Windy was being well protected by the back four & it was only when a momentary lack of concentration from Dave "There is no difference between normal and high definition television pictures" Hulks who'd noticed a particularly attractive trans-gender long distance runner bending over on the side of the running track, that allowed the nipper winger to go through & the big shot stopper was called into action, picking the ball up off the floor with what looked like ease.

The pressure finally told and after a nice inswinging corner from Jon "Meow meow" Sutton Jones, the ball was bundled over the line by Jonny "Proctor" Moore.
Into the 2nd half and Warren started up top with Kyle who'd been picked up from Camden market on the way to the match, his mum had originally sent him out to buy some milk but the seven footer was conned into buying some magic beans which he'd eaten on the way as a substitute for the Skittles that Goose had demanded as down payment for petrol money for the journey.

Making a nuisance of himself the "White Patrick Viera" missed a sitter from 2 yards before Vic went 3-0 up after a cool whipped corner from Harris was powerfully headed home by Moore for his 2nd. Klinsmann celebration rightly followed on the beautiful greasy surface.

By this time Windy had been replaced in goal by Hulks & the formation was changing by the minute. 3-5-2 looked good allowing Chris "The black bearded Saaaaaanta clause" to break forward, linking up well with master chef Rhodes, fresh from serving the lads Duck a l'orange for HT snackage. Sibbo back up top missed a few chances up top before slotting in number four calmy after a cracking facial assist from Rob "Matthew Kelly" Richardson.

The chances kept coming, Kyle had a blatant headed goal ruled out & Warren snatched at a few before Rhino blew for full time. Vic were worthy winners tho on a cracking night in the big smoke.