It only takes 1,204,200 seconds to score a goal*

*If your name is Stuart Dade, that is. This chart shows the goals-per-outfield games ratios for anyone who's played 5 or more times for the Accies. (Top of the actual chart is John Lizou, who scored 5 goals in 1 match - actually in half a match, but I digress…) The reason these figures have never been available before is I had to discount the 282 (so far) goalkeeping appearances, which skew the scoring stats of Dave Rudd, Phil Caldwell and Neill Robertshaw to name but three. For example, Dave's games-per-goal without taking into consideration his 29 matches as keeper would be 7.782609, but factor those in and the stat changes to 6.52173913. Still awake? The chart obviously takes no consideration of minutes on the pitch or, say, time spent stuck at Centre Back rather than as Striker.

One for the Spurs fans among the squad…

Apparently this is footage of an Italian version of Sky Sports' Gillette Soccer Special. We get the likes of Paul Merson and Phil Thompson watching our matches; Italian viewers get a man apparently on the edge of a nervous breakdown. The reaction of the Italian version of Jeff Stelling is a delight. Go straight to 4 mins 40 secs for maximum fun.

More Stats That Prove Very Little But Do Seem To Be Taking My Mind Off The Pain

Goal difference after ten 11-a-side matches per calendar year:

2002: -16

2003: -6

2004: -22

2005: -3

2006: -26

2007: 0

2008: -3

2009: -25

2010: -10

2011: TBC

"Interestingly", after 7 games in 2008 our goal difference was +12, but we promptly lost the next fixture 11-1 and balance was restored to the universe. We're currently on +8 after 7 games in 2011. Defending from the front: gotta love it.

Particularly Violent Statattack

In my defence, I am heinously ill and massively sleep-deprived.

Brisbane times and other football related stuff

Report #1
Its just over six weeks since I left the green and pleasant land and set foot on red Queensland soil. Its just as long since I even kicked a ball or watched a footy game. This is the first of my international reports for the Accies blog.

Floods and cyclones
Sod's law - we arrived in time to be evacuated from our house as the suburb we stayed in bore the brunt of the floods that blighted the state. We waded through water, were temporarily cut off on an island surrounded by drain water, and scaled a railroad track to escape. On return, the local shopping mall, including two liquor outlets, had been destroyed, with no date set for their reopening. I persuaded my wife and son to leave for higher ground [and beer].

I want to set the record straight. Contrary to reports on the BBC News website, there were no sharks swimming the flooded streets, but there were snakes, spiders [large] and lizards - not to mention other insect like things that seemed to move rather too fast.

No football
Most of the inner city sports fields were flooded by the waters. Apparently football is the most played sport in Australia - though not the most watched, if you get what I mean. The local team are called Brisbane Roar - and they play in the colours of Blackpool crossed with Hull. Lets hope they are better....hmmm...me thinks not.

Don't mention cricket
I was under strict orders not to mention cricket. But the cab driver who picked us up from the airport insisted on driving us past the Gabba. I politely said that the Aussies were unlucky in their quest to regain the Ashes - I tried to explain helpfully that it was a similar tale with England's bid to win the Football World Cup - such victory was based on the mistaken assumption that the team were any good in the first place. Oh dear. And on abandoning our house with the flood waters looming, a local said:'this year is a disaster: first we lose the Ashes; then we lose our house.' After he told me he was leaving to the evacuation centre, I consoled him by saying: 'Lets hope its not as bad as Katrina!'....Doh!

Don't insult the locals
Fell out with a few locals when I stupidly said that you would have to pay me to drink Castlemaine 4X -- the local brewery is iconic and when it was surrounded with flood water -- the company announced they had taken precautions and shipping millions of bottles to higher ground. Great if you like river water with a fizz [at 2.5% alcohol it rivals CBLabel for breaking trade description laws ]

They do things differently here
We've been told this is Queensland - much like Yorkshire. But people here have a knowledge of where Crystal Palace, Peckham and Brixton are in London. Where is Yorkshire?

They do things differently in Tottenham
Of course, I miss football. Wearing my WHUFC shirt around the city - with toots of horns and admiring looks from Latin Americans [no doubt because the Boleyn Ground is where Carlos Tevez learnt to play football], I miss the rivalries and the banter of the post-match drink, though I'll review missing the Paxton Arms. So I couldn't resist including an image of Tottenham's last ditch [failed] attempt to get the Olympic Stadium.




G'day to you all! Wolfie.

Last week's game… and a little progress

Once again posting on behalf of El Capitan:

Another win last week, with several excellent performances, particularly in the first half. We looked a lot more compact and difficult to break down when we didn't knock it long, which unfortunately we did revert to a little in the second half. For those of you who are unsure, the point about playing quick balls into feet is that not only will it make us more effective going forward, it will also make us more solid defensively. For example, when we play the ball short and it gets lost, for whatever reason, our formation is not compromised and disrupted as players are scattered all over the pitch chasing after a speculative ball. We will then be much more difficult to break down as we will be still relatively compact, with our midfield and defence in two close lines of four. This is essentially why I wish us to play this way, and, I have to say, the signs are encouraging. I'm certain the more we do this the more comfortable everybody will become in this system, and that ultimately it will make us a much better team.

Another encouraging sign is that quite a few players are adapting to several positions during the course of a game, although with the type of football we are aiming to play this really shouldn't be a problem. Therefore you may get asked to play in a position you feel unfamilar or uncomfortable with. I can guarantee I will only ever do this if I feel it is in the interests of the squad/team. Most people seem happy to play wherever they are asked, but if you do have any positional issues I am always available to discuss them. Or anything else for that matter.

Finally, after three wins it's probably worth mentioning the issue of complacency. It's vital that we look to improve in every game, both individually and as a team. Sometimes it can be helpful to set yourself particular targets during the course of a game. One that iI find quite useful is to try to focus on not giving the ball away as many times as I did the previous week - OK, I don't always manage it, before anybody says anything! Anyway, rather than basking in the glow of the previous week's success we do need to keep focused on the game in front of us. Personally I'm convinced we can improve our levels dramatically in the coming months. Looking at some of our upcoming fixtures I suspect we will need to do this! Anyway, a very positive start to the year with some pretty impressive football being played. More to come I hope, so let's maintain the positive collective spirit we seem to be tapping into, keep winning games and continue to have fun.

Up the Accies.

The Accies, a relationship saver!

According to researchers, couples argue 312 times a year - "with a Thursday evening the most likely time for a row to develop." Furthermore, they even say it's most likely around 8pm - when we're all on a football pitch - unless your name is Perre obviously!

So next time your partner moans that you spend more time playing footy for The Accies than you do lavishing on them, point them in this direction...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1348308/Couples-argue-312-year-likely-8pm-10-minutes.html

Selhurts II...

Another new development regarding our spiritual home...

http://www.skysports.com/story/0,19528,11688_6681161,00.html

Selhurts…

As it says here, Crystal Palace FC are planning to leave Selhurst Park and relocate to the athletics stadium that we currently call 'home'. Clearly us Accies will be keen to learn what timetable of the redevelopment of our theatre of dreams will be – a lengthy one, hopefully, because I don't fancy us being homeless!

All we can do for now is enjoy every game we play on our beloved grass pitch as though it were our last, wring every drop of enjoyment out of the venue and make sure that when our final pitch booking does arrive, we can say we truly appreciated what we had before it was gone.

And at least Barry will be able to take his children and grandchildren to Palace matches in years to come and say: "Of course, you know I used to play here myself in my younger days…"

Message From Your Club Secretary

All,

The minutes have been sent out by email. If you haven't received them and want a copy, please let me know.

Cheers,

Andrew.

News from Brisbane

From Accie-in-exile Graeme Were:

"We evaculated this morning at 6am when I heard the siren in my sleep - the house was lost to the flood waters... we climbed the hill and met colleagues and staying with them on higher ground....power cuts, deluge etc.more soon, its a disaster zone,"

Last Week And The New Year!

Posting on behalf of Captain Thornes:

Firstly, I am flattered and honoured that the club wants me to carry on picking the team in the role that I had last year. It's not something i take lightly and I can guarantee I will do my best to make this a successful year on the pitch for the Accies. I thought last week's game was a great start, as we played the kind of simple, pass-and-move football that we have been striving towards for a while. Having managed to do it once I hope this gives us the confidence to keep playing this way for the rest of the year. We might not win every game if we do, but I feel sure we will enjoy our football much more this way than any other style we might adopt.

As i said in the dressing room after the game last week, to single anybody out as Man Of The Match wouldn't be right, given everybody played a significant part in a great performance. As many of you might have noticed I am not a great fan of Man Of The Match awards generally. They encourage individualism in a game where a strong collective spirit is crucial. MOTM awards are also a very subjective decision and usually ignore some of the less eye-catching, but equally important efforts of less high-profile players. I also believe that raising the levels of someone who is having a bad game is more important than praising a player who is playing well. Anyway I'll probably proceed with this in a fairly ad hoc way. The main thing is we have a squad of players who all make a contribution.

Pretty much everything else will stay the same as last year. I am still committed to everybody getting approximately equal playing time on a Thursday. The only exceptions to this would be injury, a very obvious lack of fitness which prevents a player from doing his job on the pitch, or a player repeatedly ignoring specific instructions given before or during a game. Otherwise, I think our aims this year should be to enjoy playing as a team, win as often as possible and retain the Anglo-Dutch Cup. They are certainly my aims. If anybody needs to speak to me about anything my number is 07828 950790 - drop me a text and i'll quite happily call you back, so long as it isn't the middle of the night!

Up the Accies!

Bonus 11 a side friendly v Southside, 6th Jan

NB 7pm kick off for this bonus curtain raiser. - AGM will start afterwards, at 9pm.

AGM 2011

If there's anything you'd like to be added to the agenda for next month's AGM, let me know by emailing me at my usual address. Here's hoping for a quick and painless chat and a 2011 during which we're Rockin' All Over The World. Over and out.

For all the music lovers in the squad

http://www.stevecarter.com/albumcovers.htm

BE WARNED

Some are a little risque for work

Match Cancelled Again! Wolfie Beers Instead!

In case you haven't seen an email from me, tomorrow night's match is OFF because Palace haven't cleared the snow off the pitch (and nor has it cleared itself as if by magic just yet…)

Let me know if you're able to come along to the Paxton instead to raise a glass to Graeme Were, who is moving to Australia imminently in order to enjoy the Ashes at first hand.

There but for the grace of the football gods…

Heard about this team on Radio Five Live, they fielded 7 against 11 which ended up as 6 against 10 and lost 55-0. So the next time we get a hammering, let's keep things in perspective.…

Match Cancelled!

Tonight's game is off because the pitch is covered in snow. So no outing for the yellow footballs, sadly. See you all next week hopefully!

Awards Night

Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for their kind words last night, coming from people who know the game, it means a great deal to me! I still maintain that there are more worthy winners than I, based on form, fitness, commitment, and the other one!
Hope everyone had a great night, well done to all the organisers and thanks.
One thing I would like to have said, which I think sums up the quailty of people we have in our club perfectly, is about Neill Robertshaw. Two years ago, when I was made redundant, Neill offered me work with him, even though he was struggling himself. It was such a great gesture, and, like I say goes to show Effra Academicals is so much more than football.
Here's to everyone who's pulled on the red and blue shirts, roll on the next ten years.

The Coach goes Crazy

Imagine, 2-0 up at half-time and cruising to victory, then the Accies let in two soft goals. What are the odds of Thorny running up the grandstand and pulling out the seats? Thats similar to what happened in the Champions League the other night with the coach of the Romanian champions, CFR Cluj.

Film clip

I filmed 2 mins of the Accies ...erm... unlucky departure from the MI Cup. I did manage to capture the Accies goal and miss all the Ewell Ones. What are the chances of that happening?

See you all tomorrow.

Just as well we don't have a "Miss of the Season Award"

This may not be an Accies match, but it doesn't matter who you play for, your age, gender or ability, there's surely no beating this miss? If Andy Thornes had hair, and attempted to score with his left foot instead of his head, even just from merely inches away from the goal line, unchallenged, would it look like this? Perhaps we could re-enact it tonight, just to see? I'm only saying..!

You're off Son!

I couldn't help but feel the scorer of this disallowed goal should be very thankful he doesn't play for The Accies. Given his amazing show of petulance by throwing his Captain's armband to the ground in disgust, surely our Shiny Pated Coach would be left with no alternative other than to substitute him???

Last week's game… communication again! (Sigh…)

Another post on behalf of Thorny:

Three wins on the bounce and lots of good stuff from last week. Three well taken goals and several excellent individual performances. It's great to see Steve's form continuing on an upward spiral (?);Tim Howard, sorry Lee, had another rock solid game, which will hopefully continue all the way to Christmas; Dave continues to turn up one week in three and look like he hasn't been away; and Bobby and Neill both looked back to somewhere near full fitness after pretty chronic injury issues.

The downside to last week was primarily a lack of communication, or rather our lack of proper communication. Getting the Accies to talk to each other was something I made a top priority during this temporary period where I will be picking and organising the team. I thought we had made significant improvements in recent weeks, but our last game made me realise how foolish that assessment has been. I'm not going to re-state my views on this – they are clearly outlined in previous blogs – but will only say from now 'til the end of the year, if a player cannot talk to a team-mate properly, ie not swear or abuse him, or just generally deride his ability, he will be replaced by somebody who hopefully can. We all want to win and play well and this is undoubtedly best served by encouragement and constructive, friendly criticism. If a player makes a mistake he isn't doing it deliberately and shouldn't be treated as if he was trying to sabotage the team. This helps nobody. Anyway, enough said.

This week is a cup game against MRC Ewell. After our first game in this competition, where I made several selection cock-ups, this is just to let everyone know i will be treating the game as a normal Accies football night. Selection will be made from a squad of 15, who will all play roughly the same amount of time, barring injuries or communication issues (see above). In my opinion this gives us the best opportunity to win. My ideal is for us to play as a team with everybody making a contribution. We have done this before and I am confident we will do it again this week. I actually think this could be the game when we put in a truly great performance for 90 minutes. Whatever happens let's make sure we enjoy it and win or lose together, with everybody giving their all.

Last week's game… progress and congestion…

Another post on behalf of Thorny:

I'll keep this brief, as the previous match report covered most stuff I wanted to mention. Firstly, I still believe there is a lot more to come from the team, but our communication is generally getting better, and as a result, our football is moving in the right direction. Without sounding contrary, or too negative, I did feel last week was a slightly backwards step though, but one that I am confident we will put right in the coming weeks. As I keep stressing, if we all talk to each other quickly and clearly it will have a direct effect on our passing and movement, and hence our football in general.

Secondly, it's also worth warning people that this week looks like being one of those unenviable occasions where we are over-subscribed - I reckon we might have as many as 18!!! All being well everyone should get football though, as apparently the opposition are likely to be short. Apologies in advance for anybody who gets left out of the Accies 15. All I can say is that selection will be made in as fair a way as i know how, which means recent commitment will figure heavily, as will the issue of whether you have already missed a game this year - although those who haven't are in an increasingly small minority. Anyway, let's try to raise our level on Thur and continue our good run of form. Oh and if you do miss the 6pm Wednesday deadline this week it will almost certainly result in you not making the 15, so drop Stu a line ASAP!