It only takes 1,204,200 seconds to score a goal*

*If your name is Stuart Dade, that is. This chart shows the goals-per-outfield games ratios for anyone who's played 5 or more times for the Accies. (Top of the actual chart is John Lizou, who scored 5 goals in 1 match - actually in half a match, but I digress…) The reason these figures have never been available before is I had to discount the 282 (so far) goalkeeping appearances, which skew the scoring stats of Dave Rudd, Phil Caldwell and Neill Robertshaw to name but three. For example, Dave's games-per-goal without taking into consideration his 29 matches as keeper would be 7.782609, but factor those in and the stat changes to 6.52173913. Still awake? The chart obviously takes no consideration of minutes on the pitch or, say, time spent stuck at Centre Back rather than as Striker.

One for the Spurs fans among the squad…

Apparently this is footage of an Italian version of Sky Sports' Gillette Soccer Special. We get the likes of Paul Merson and Phil Thompson watching our matches; Italian viewers get a man apparently on the edge of a nervous breakdown. The reaction of the Italian version of Jeff Stelling is a delight. Go straight to 4 mins 40 secs for maximum fun.

More Stats That Prove Very Little But Do Seem To Be Taking My Mind Off The Pain

Goal difference after ten 11-a-side matches per calendar year:

2002: -16

2003: -6

2004: -22

2005: -3

2006: -26

2007: 0

2008: -3

2009: -25

2010: -10

2011: TBC

"Interestingly", after 7 games in 2008 our goal difference was +12, but we promptly lost the next fixture 11-1 and balance was restored to the universe. We're currently on +8 after 7 games in 2011. Defending from the front: gotta love it.

Particularly Violent Statattack

In my defence, I am heinously ill and massively sleep-deprived.

Brisbane times and other football related stuff

Report #1
Its just over six weeks since I left the green and pleasant land and set foot on red Queensland soil. Its just as long since I even kicked a ball or watched a footy game. This is the first of my international reports for the Accies blog.

Floods and cyclones
Sod's law - we arrived in time to be evacuated from our house as the suburb we stayed in bore the brunt of the floods that blighted the state. We waded through water, were temporarily cut off on an island surrounded by drain water, and scaled a railroad track to escape. On return, the local shopping mall, including two liquor outlets, had been destroyed, with no date set for their reopening. I persuaded my wife and son to leave for higher ground [and beer].

I want to set the record straight. Contrary to reports on the BBC News website, there were no sharks swimming the flooded streets, but there were snakes, spiders [large] and lizards - not to mention other insect like things that seemed to move rather too fast.

No football
Most of the inner city sports fields were flooded by the waters. Apparently football is the most played sport in Australia - though not the most watched, if you get what I mean. The local team are called Brisbane Roar - and they play in the colours of Blackpool crossed with Hull. Lets hope they are better....hmmm...me thinks not.

Don't mention cricket
I was under strict orders not to mention cricket. But the cab driver who picked us up from the airport insisted on driving us past the Gabba. I politely said that the Aussies were unlucky in their quest to regain the Ashes - I tried to explain helpfully that it was a similar tale with England's bid to win the Football World Cup - such victory was based on the mistaken assumption that the team were any good in the first place. Oh dear. And on abandoning our house with the flood waters looming, a local said:'this year is a disaster: first we lose the Ashes; then we lose our house.' After he told me he was leaving to the evacuation centre, I consoled him by saying: 'Lets hope its not as bad as Katrina!'....Doh!

Don't insult the locals
Fell out with a few locals when I stupidly said that you would have to pay me to drink Castlemaine 4X -- the local brewery is iconic and when it was surrounded with flood water -- the company announced they had taken precautions and shipping millions of bottles to higher ground. Great if you like river water with a fizz [at 2.5% alcohol it rivals CBLabel for breaking trade description laws ]

They do things differently here
We've been told this is Queensland - much like Yorkshire. But people here have a knowledge of where Crystal Palace, Peckham and Brixton are in London. Where is Yorkshire?

They do things differently in Tottenham
Of course, I miss football. Wearing my WHUFC shirt around the city - with toots of horns and admiring looks from Latin Americans [no doubt because the Boleyn Ground is where Carlos Tevez learnt to play football], I miss the rivalries and the banter of the post-match drink, though I'll review missing the Paxton Arms. So I couldn't resist including an image of Tottenham's last ditch [failed] attempt to get the Olympic Stadium.




G'day to you all! Wolfie.